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Friday, January 25, 2002

MICHELLE VISAGE

the following SHe-mail came from michelle (vanilla child) visage, who is currently 8 months pregnant.

I GOT THE JOB!! i will be in LA permanently on the 6th of feb, yes, like next
week and staying at the ******** facilities until we find a permanent pad. i
start on the air as sinbad's cohost on the new HOT 92 feb. 11th and i will
give birth in madonna's suite at Cedars Sinai!

i'm so happy that my girl is moving out here. she's a great asset to any television or radio program. i have fond memories of me and her sitting around the studio, testing people on their knowledge of frat-house sex terminology. you'd be surprised how many people don't know what a MERKIN is. even more surprised to find out how few understand the implications of FELCHING, a DIRTY SANCHEZ, or a RUSTY TROMBONE ( a merkin is a wig that is used to cover the pubic area). find out all the other definitions by clicking here .
welcome to hollywood, michelle visage.




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Thursday, January 24, 2002

POLITICALLY ERECT

years ago, i heard someone say that politicians were performers who didn't have enough talent to go into show business. that statement was made more true in my mind last night when i attended a west hollywood city council hearing. i was there, along with about a hundred others, to speak on behalf of club peanuts. apparently, the war between the club and the city of WEHO has been on going for over a decade. the current battle, and maybe the final victory for the city, is over the club's business license being revoked. this appeal was a last ditch effort to save the club from closing forever. before the council could get to our agenda, we had to sit through 2 hours of other crap like, the street light being out at the corner of huntley and melrose, citations being issued for the improper use of balloons outside of businesses on santa monica blvd. and the nutjob who claimed he had been sodomized at his home repeatedly while he slept and that nobody was doing anything about it. the most telling moment came when the city council issued a proclamation to GLORIA STEINEM , commemorating the 29th anniversary of ROE vs. WADE. the council members rushed down from their perch, almost knocking each other over, in order to get a good position for the photo op. that was the only time during the proceeding, that their faces weren't fixed in a smarmy, smug position.

i guess by now you can tell what i think of authority figures. i've always wondered, * what kind of person would want a job in politics ? all the best people for the job have sex and drugs in their background, which doesn't fly with our cultures puritan morals, so the public is left with these dull soulless self serving ghosts. you gotta be squeaky clean and unspookable to sit in any political office. and then they wonder why people don't vote. what could be going on, psychologically speaking, with a person who wants to be a cop? the same could be asked of a drag queen, but only a small percentage of my girlfriends carry loaded guns. and why are all the laws and city ordinances, written in a language that only lawyers can understand ? in los angeles, you gotta be a frickin' lawyer to understand a goddamned parking sign.

finally, the time came for our argument to be heard. my name was called and i stood up and stated my case in favor of the club. i talked about the increased security at the club, the new sound proofing and the diversity of the clientele which exemplifies WEHO. by the look on the mugs of the council members, i could tell they couldn't have cared less. their minds were already made up. i left there thinking...why did i waste my time in there ? what difference did i make ? then i remembered what my friend don norman said to me not so long ago. he said ...you're not only standing up so that THEY know you were there, you're standing up so that YOU know you were there ! don told me that faith without works is dead.

when i was a kid, i made the decision to remain comfortably numb. i never wanted to be part of what people called normal society. if i didn't like a law that was passed, i'd move to another city. but now that i have awaken, i find that i'm tried of running. so don't get it twisted motherfuckers. remember, it was some queens who were tired of running, that started THE GAY RIGHTS MOVEMENT . don't make me get all ROSA PARKS on yo ass.


* there are some cool people in public office, but i sure haven't met any of them yet.

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Tuesday, January 22, 2002

A GOLDEN shE-MAIL

rose: dorothy, im hear if you need to pick my brain
dorothy: rose, I think we better leave it alone and let it heal...

nick
www.disenchanted.icyempire.com

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CLICK ON THIS

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CHARLOTTE GRAY

i saw the movie charlotte gray tonight and i'm happy i did. it was made in the style of a classic 1940's hollywood film. every shot in the movie is absolutely beautiful, but none more beautiful than it's star. cate blanchett is by far the best young actress working in films today. no one since meryl streep has consecutively done such outstanding work. everything she does is amazing. even the laborious BANDITS was worth watching because of her performance. i feel both weak and powerful when i experience her soulfulness, which she gives courageously and wholeheartedly. a perfect combination because this movie is about love and courage. see this film and fall in love with cate blanchett, if you haven't already.

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Monday, January 21, 2002

GOLDEN GLOBES

i was just thinking how much more fun the golden globes would have been if they had run a tally of each star's blood / alcohol level at the bottom of the television screen. throughout the telecast, there were camera shots of nominee's chug-a-lugging what appeared to be white wine. how cool it would have been if dick clark had run a stat sheet underneath each attendee's name, when the camera was on them, that listed a) the designer of their outfit. b) a list of each surgical procedures they've had c) blood / alcohol levels and a list of the drugs they were on. that would really set the golden globes apart from the oscars.

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Sunday, January 20, 2002

AFTER DARK

tonight i went to a birthday party given by yvette marine for her husband rick. yvette was one of the mary jane girls and is probably best known for the paula abdul / ghost vocal lawsuit. the party was fun and the food was great, but the best thrill of all was getting to meet yvette's mother, pattie brooks. she was a huge disco star on casablanca records with her smash hit AFTER DARK, from the THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY soundtrack. she was lovely and she looked gorgeous, as did yvette. i also had a wonderful conversation with ross vannelli. he is an incredible music producer and brother of the singer gino vannelli. when i left there, i went to superstar RALPH'S grocery store to read the tabloids. standing next to me at the magazine rack was dwight yoakam. i told him that his boots were great and he said thank you.

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THE BREAKFAST CLUB

from 1983 until 1985, i was homeless, slacking around and partying my ass off. so it's easy to see why i missed the molly ringwald trilogy. in fact, i missed alot of mainstream culture around that time. also, part of my aversion to those high school movies was the fact that the hideous memories of my academic years were still vividly fresh in my head. i hated school. recently i decided that i could now watch those films and not slit my wrists. so tonight i rented THE BREAKFAST CLUB. i loved it ! anthony michael hall was my favorite. i cried when he told why he was sent to the breakfast club. molly ringwald's lips are pure porno. and i've never thought of emilio estevez as sexy, until this movie. his jeans can barely contain all that cheddar. next up, SIXTEEN CANDLES.

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BUZZ KILLER

living in los angeles, i am in constant dread of being asked the inevitable question: so what are you working on? whenever it's asked, which is everyday, i feel like i'm on trial for my life and that i must make a strong case to justify my existence on the planet. i know it isn't asked to put me on the spot or to make me feel uncomfortable. people are really just trying to make conversation, but there's no way for me to answer without it feeling like a pop quiz . even if i were signed to do THE MATRIX 2 & 3 and had just recorded a duet with BRITNEY, being asked that question would still make me feel judged. here in hollywood, there is a not so quiet desperation that looms over the city of dreams. i can feel it in traffic, at the gym or in a restaurant. i can feel it when i'm meeting someone for the first time and as we shake hands, their eyes dart over my shoulder to see if someone more important has just walked in. it's as if everyone here has an expiration date stamped on their forehead, as my friend tennessee likes to say. i guess what this is really all about for me is, the old tapes in my head that say no matter what i do i'm still not good enough ( which is baloney, of course). when someone asks me what i'm working on, my first instinct is to say ...santa monica blvd (where the prositutes hang out). in truth, i am not my work and my value cannot be summed up in 25 words or less. sometimes i fantasize about saying ...i'm not working on anything... but love, where to get it and how to give it away.

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Saturday, January 19, 2002

CHECK OUT THIS HOTTIE

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TIME CHER

tonight at club peanuts, the show was a salute to cher : a night of a thousand chers. it was all to celebrate the release of her latest album LIVING PROOF. when i found out about the theme i decided to get into drag and join the cast in their hommage to the invincible one. i choose to do a medley of cher hits to lipsinc to, so i loaded up the protools program on my computer with a dance remix of cher's WALKING IN MEMPHIS, the disco mix of THE SHOOP SHOOP SONG and STRONG ENOUGH. then i chopped them up, moved them around and viola! instant cher megamix. viva did I GOT YOU BABE with a really cute sonny, jazzmun did the original WE ALL SLEEP ALONE, raja did GYPSIES,TRAMPS AND THIEVES, alexis did L'DOVE AMORE, chad had the outfit from the new album and the hair and did a megamix that included SONG FOR THE LONELY, DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE SONG and MUSIC'S NO GOOD WITHOUT YOU. mathu came along with me and tried to look like cher, but he looked more like angie everhart. then viva talked mathu into doing MAINMAN, but the dj accidentally played DARK LADY instead and mathu didn't miss a beat ! it was awesome !

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Friday, January 18, 2002

CRITTER

went to the virgin megastore to buy the dvd of GLITTER. i am so excited to play mariah's opening scene over and over again. picture it, mariah in a leopard swimsuit, go-go dancing to lime's hi-nrg classic ...OH BABE, WE'RE GONNA LOVE TONIGHT... ! it's perfect because my favorite song this week is ..NEVER TOO FAR..from the movie's soundtrack. last week kylie minogue's FEVER, never left my cd player. i also picked up BARREL FEVER, another book by david sedaris. he starts a speaking tour in april and i'm seriously considering following him around the united states. pray for me.

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Wednesday, January 16, 2002

GOLDEN NUGGETS


Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother; she suffered a slight stroke a few
years ago, which rendered her totally annoying.

Sophia [Rose fixed a dinner]: Cabbage she serves me, in ten minutes I could
be sky riding!

Rose: Tell me, is it possible to love two men at the same time?
Blanche: Set the scene, have we been drinking?

Buzz: Rosie, I never should have left you forty years ago. I can still see
you standing on the platform as the train started to roll by. Remember,
Rose? You were walking alongside, tears rolling down your cheeks. When the
train picked up a little speed, you started to run. Suddenly you were out of
sight. It was very painful for me.
Rose: For me too. I ran face first into the crossing-signal.

Blanche: My sister has turned into a deceitful old woman whose only pleasure
is in hurting people. – No offence, Sophia.

Blanche: Oh Dorothy, I just talked to somebody back home, and they are doing
the most horrible thing! They are tearing down the most important building
in Blanche Devereaux's family history.
Dorothy: Oh my God, they're tearing down Mattress World.
Blanche: Even worse than that. They are tearing down the place where I spent
my happiest moments as a child.
Dorothy: Oh I'm sorry, Blanche. They're tearing down Boys Town.

Rose: My cousin Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.
Blanche: What's wrong with that?
Rose: Well, let's just say, you didn't want to park your car under their oak
tree.

Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him
dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have
you?
Blanche: There must be homosexuals who date women.
Sophia: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Rose: Cooking, Dorothy?
Dorothy: No, Rose, I'm developing pictures for the Magellan Space Program.

Dorothy: You know, sometimes I can't believe my ears.
Sophia: I know. I should've taped them back when you were seven.

Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother, she survived a slight stroke,
which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to relax in a hot, steamy bath
with the water high enough to cover my perky bosoms.
Sophia: You're gonna lay in an inch of water?

[Sophia walks into the kitchen wearing all-black sunglasses]
Dorothy: Ladies and gentlemen: Roy Orbison. – Ma, I know you can't see
through those!
Sophia: Are you kidding? I can see just fine. [motions to Blanche] Who's the
black guy?.

[In the morning Dorothy comes home, wearing an evening dress]
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, are you just getting in?
Dorothy: No, Blanche. I got up early and went jogging in a park with a
really strict dress code.

Rose: I skipped school only once. It turned out to be the day they taught
everything!.

Blanche: Girls, how does this dress look on me?
Sophia: What's the difference? In half an hour it'll be crumpled up on the
floor next to an empty bottle of Jack Daniel's.

Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Like no one else.

Frank: You look lovely tonight.
Dorothy: I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.

Blanche: By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is
directly proportionate to the size of his other body organs?
Rose: What do you mean?
Dorothy: He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.

Blanche: Rose, what was your first impression of me?
Rose: I thought you wore too much make-up and that you were a slut. I was
wrong. You don't wear too much make-up.

[During a rainstorm]
Blanche: The rain always reminds me of my first kiss.
Rose: Oh Blanche, you had your first kiss in the rain?
Blanche: No, in the shower.

Rose: Whenever a new family would move into St. Olaf, we'd all hop on the
tractor and ride out to the new neighbour's farm, thirty or forty of us
carrying smoked fish and big pitchers full of freshly squeezed potato juice,
while cousin Dak played 'Getting To Know You' through the hole in his
windpipe.
Dorothy: Tell me, Rose, did you ever accompany him through the hole in your
head?!

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FROM THE N.Y POST

Bea Arthur - star of "Golden Girls" and "Maude"- starts previews on
Jan. 19 at the Booth and opens officially on Feb. 17, offering her life and
times in "Bea Arthur on Broadway."



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LOVE AND FEAR ...AND LOATHING IN KNOXVEGAS

when i was a kid, my mother and father would beat the shit out of each other. the sound of glass breaking, cussing and fighting would ring in my five year old ears. but the worst sound of all was the silence between them. sometimes i would ask...what's wrong mama ? and she would answer...nothing's wrong. in my gut i knew something was very wrong. but here was my mother, my guardian, my teacher telling me that my instinct and my truth were not accurate. i thought...should i trust my mother or my instinct ? needless to say, i choose to believe my mother and i've spent alot of time in my life pretending that everything was just fine, when deep down inside i knew that it really wasn't.

the milton berle incident is a perfect example of me ignoring my gut when he was power tripping me in the dressing room. before we went on stage i got very mad at myself for allowing him to treat me that way and decided to get him back, live on stage in front of 20 million people. i made a big fool out of myself that night, all because my ego was hurt. there are really only two emotions, love and fear, and that night i reacted to his fear with my fear. the whole thing triggered some old wounds from my childhood (.i,e..my feelings were being ignored) so i came out swinging. what i should have done is pulled him to the side backstage before we went on and said ...hey man, i wanna be honest with you and talk heart to heart. you don't have to be threatened by me. you are a child of god and nobody can change that. or maybe just've said that to myself.

now, many years later, it's a constant struggle for me to stay in the moment where my truth and intuition live. trusting my gut is a fairly new thing for me and i can't afford to ignore my gut feelings about anything. when i check in with myself i ask ...is this a healthy situation for me ? what can i do to make it more loving ? i don't ignore the answer. as an adult, i'm the guardian of my spirit, my child and i'm not going to knowingly put them in jeopardy or disrespect them or allow anyone else disrespect them.

the radio interview on friday had me asking myself ...are these people coming from a place of love ?
the answer was no. what could i have done differently ? should i have told them to kiss my ashy black ass and fuck off ? maybe.
my goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2002

KNOXVILLE E-MAILS

dear rupaul, i just wanted to let you know that i was listening to electric 94.9 on my way home this morning and heard your interview. i was surprised that you didn't want to talk about any of the wonderful performances they were talking about, and how rude you were by saying"i'm so much more interesting...go read my web page" to every question or comment they made. i read your log for today, and didn't really get anything from it. however, i did read some of your other logs (for previous days) and did find some of them interesting. i think you are a very interesting person, and will recommend your page to others to look at. i just wanted to let you know (my opinion) that if you didn't want to do the interview, then you should have just told them you were too tired to do so, intead of just making snide remarks. thank you for your time, amanda



From: StarMorningGeek@aol.com
Date: Sun, 13 Jan 2002 13:12:46 EST
To: rupaul@rupaul.com
Subject: Broadcast school graduate?

Please honey... better than a washed up old drag queen who doesn't know when to hang up the feather boa. It was obvious you PRIDED yourself on being a catty bitch on the air with us. All we wanted to do was create a point of reference for the listeners who may have remembered you from the ONE mid-chart hit you had for 5 minutes a decade ago. I will say though, it gave our mediocre morning show something to talk about Friday morning instead of the weather and the hog prices at the farmer's market. I mean, WOW... reading from the weblog that you think there are too many cars in L.A. is some of the most riveting view minutes Knoxville radio listeners have ever experienced. I am SO glad you suggested your website as the reason to interview you. By the way.. I heard that you did a 49 minute version of "Supermodel" at your show. Sweetie, even Billy Ray Cyrus moved on from of "My Achy Breaky Heart" after the front row fell asleep.

Otherwise, it was a pleasure and I hope your stay in Knoxville was fun.

Marc Anthony

p.s. I am glad to report that the"broadcasting school graduate voice that has singlehandedly ruined mainstream radio" earned me $210,000 last year. As Joey Tribiani says, "how YOU doin'?"



I live in Knoxville,TN and on the way to school I was listening to the radio and I heard your interview and they did not give you ANY respect you needed,usually there OK but this time they went over board,You have really impressed me!Thanks!

Go Girl :)
Lindsay
P.S. I hope you had a nice time in Tennessee!!



Thank you so much for the great performance last night here in knoxville. I also wanted to say that I listened to your interview on the radio Friday morning, and I want to apologize for knoxville. I thought that the dejays were incredibly rude and that all they were interested in was talking about your most famous song. The call-ins were equally as rude. I want you to know that they do not represent the way others feel about your work and the incredible person that you are. You have been a wonderful example of what someone can do with their life. The show was an incredible experience for me and I was lucky enough to have had the VIP ticket so that I could be close to the stage. Thank you so much for coming to knoxville and thank you for being just who you are without pretense. I hope to catch you again somewhere and I will be reading your weblog which i enjoy very much.

Thanks again

Ann L.


Ru,
Hey how are you doing? My name is Amanda and I am from Knoxville, TN. I would first like to say that I went to your show last night and I had a great time! I can honestly tell you that I have never been exposed to that type of atmosphere ever before in my life, so last night was my first time. What I mean by that is...I have never been in a place where a bunch of queens, homosexual people, straight, and couples were all together in one place. I am glad I decided to go and experience that and experience you last night because for me...it was like maybe a once in a lifetime opportunity to go see you in person.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think what you do and the encouragement you give people is great. Speaking for everyone in Knoxville that attended we had a blast! I wish you the best of luck in the future and hope you come back soon!

Amanda

Dear Ru,
You are everything I imagined and more in person! I finally got a chance to see you live at your show in Tennesse and you even brought me on stage. I had just arrived, like a few mins. into the show, after getting lost and trying to find the establishment and as soon as I walked through the club doors I see you on stage and then it hit me, I made it! I'm finally here, I get to see Ru. Little did I know that I was in for the best night ever. I was so shocked once you mentioned my name, " Is Rigo from atlanta here?" It didin't register at first, not until my friend started screaming "yeah, right here!" then I went crazy too and started jumpimg up and down as you called me on stage. As you could tell I was so excited that I was shaking, I couldn't even gather my thoughts and speak on the mic when you asked me a question. All I knew was that I was next to you, holding your hand, and that made me feel so special. I definately felt your energy and love around me. Thank you so much for acknowlaging me and letting me be a part of your show. I'm anticipating your next performance where I can come and see you again.

love ya lots Ru,
your papi latino, RIGO!

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Sunday, January 13, 2002

VIVA KNOX VEGAS

we blew into knoxville at 1:30 am and by 5:30 am i was being interviewed on a morning drive radio show to promote my gig that night. the hosts of the show, a man and a woman, spoke in that broadcasting school graduate voice that has singlehandedly ruined mainstream radio. together, they were about as clever as a bucket of rocks. they asked me the exact same questions that i always get asked. "should i refer to you as he or she" the man asked. to that i replied...well little lady, you can call me daddy. that was after he told me to say WORK IT, GIRL to his cohost (sure, i'll say it...as soon as she starts working it). i felt like i was in that saturday night live skit called MORNING LATTE, where the hosts played by will farrell and cheri oteri, are completely oblivious. in the end they got mad at me for not answering questions about milton berle (i'm like...milton who ?) having hosted a morning drive radio show for years ( in a lil 'ol town up yonder called new york city), i know what it's like to have a guest that you just don't click with. once i interviewed jack palance about a book of poetry he had written. well, i'm not a big fan of poetry, but i am a big fan of joan crawford and i knew he had done a film with her so i asked him about joan. he said that he was here to talk about his poetry. so i said ok, what would joan crawford think of your poetry? he hung up on me. it's also very hard to not fall into that dreaded morning zoo brand of rim shot, cheap humor. on my 40th birthday, frankie blue, the program director at wktu, surprised me and had all my favorite stars call up to wish me a happy b-day on the air. donna summer, diana ross, natalie cole and cher. cher called all the way from london and recounted her 40th birthday party held at a club called HEARTBREAK. she said that was the night she met rob camilletti, the man who was to become her longtime lover. to that i said ...hey, i'm 40, i sure would love to meet a bagel boy, tonight! (bagel boy was the nickname the tabloids called camilletti) it was a cheap shot and i regret it to this day. she didn't comment on the remark but i still felt rotten for saying it. she was a guest and you don't want your guest to feel uncomfortable.

after sound check at the club, we found this coffee house called CUP OF JOE in a part of town called the old city. CUP OF JOE had the best cake i have ever had. the woman behind the counter said this old man who lives on the outskirts of town makes them. i had german chocolate and j had chocolate/chocolate. i also ordered a piece of coconut cake to go. i will go back to knoxville, just for this cake.

i bought some used cd's at a place called LOST AND FOUND over by the university of tennessee. i got don johnson's heartbeat, soft cell/marc almond's memorabilia-the singles, buffy sainte-marie's native north american child and wham's music from the edge of heaven.

the show was a blast. the highlights were getting to meet rigo and his friend from atlanta and alexis taylor of east tennessee. they are fans who SHe-mailed me, telling me that they would be there. i dragged them both on stage during the show and took pictures with them. last nights show also had the distinction of being the first time i've ever stopped my show due to an altercation in the audience. seems a real girl burnt a gay guy named rob with her cigarette. i was in the middle of my rap medley when i saw the security guards dragging the real girl off to the side. i told the sound guy to stop the mini-disc. i put the mike up to rob's mouth and asked what happened. he said she put a hole in his new sweater he bought especially to come see miss rupaul and that he was not having any of that. i said well baby you give me some good sugar and have your friend right there snap our picture.

at the airport in knoxville, i was the one they randomly selected to be searched before getting on the plane. that pissed me off. i should have farted while they were searching me. chilli from the group tlc was on the flight from atlanta to lax. we said hi and everything. she said the last time i saw you, ru was on the set of unpretty. i said no.. it was no scrubs. the in flight movie was HARDBALL with keanu reeves. how does shit like that get made. i would have much preferred keanu reeves in a movie called HARDBALLZ.

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Friday, January 11, 2002

HEART TO HARTSFIELD

the driver picked us up at my house at noon and as usual, he asked us which route would we prefer traveling to the airport. there are three different ways to go and since it was midday, we felt that the traffic through downtown shouldnít be too bad. we were wrong. the traffic was horrendous . as we sat there on the hollywood freeway not moving, i thought about how much better los angeles would be if the traffic nightmare were miraculously cured. i imagined double decker highways and bullet trains gliding down the freeway medians, moving people from silverlake to the santa monica piers in a matter of minutes . now that would be an l.a that i would be proud to call home. the more i thought about it, the madder i got and conspiracy theories straight out of the movie CHINATOWN popped into my head. i donít know how true it is, but years ago i heard that california has more cars than all the other states combined. i'd like to believe itís true.

the in-flight movie was AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS, which we watched while dining on yummy delta airlines chicken dinners. i had seen the movie before, but couldnít remember a thing about it , except that it was funny. we arrived in atlanta after a relatively short flight. i love hartsfield airport. in the mid-eighties, me and my friends would catch the marta train down to the airport after an all night binge, just to watch people and get to lost in the massive purgatory. the airport used to be fun if you didnít have to catch a plane. tonight, we had two hours to kill before our flight to knoxville. so after catching up at the newsstand, a cinnabon was in order. the man behind the cinnabon counter recognized me and asked if i was home visiting or just passing through. i told him that i was on my way to tennessee to do a show. he then told me that my baked goods ( baked evils ) were on the house. it makes me feel good to think that people in atlanta remember me as one of their own.

the only rotten thing about atlantaís hartsfield airport was that all the television sets were tuned to some stinkiní sports channel with the volume turned way too high. not one set was tuned to LIFETIME, television for womens. i think itís another fucking conspiracy. the same one that makes it ok for women to wear bikini swimsuits, but not men. men always have those big fucking boxer swim trunks and i think it sucks! i wanna see some ass, and i wanna see some dick.

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Thursday, January 10, 2002

WHAT IS IT YOU CAN'T FACE?

my therapist says that my going to bed at 6am and waking up at noon is one of the ways i avoid the world. i've eaten two chili cheese dogs with onions, at this diner in toluca lake, everyday for the pass 4 days. in the three months that i haven't had a cigarette, i want one more than ever today. what is happening to me?... what feeling am i temporarily avoiding ?

in the movie THE SOUND OF MUSIC, maria is sent away from a nuns convent to become a nanny to a gaggle of children, who have no mother. when maria unexpectedly falls in love with the father of the children, she flips out and runs back to the nunnery for a pow-wow with the mother superior. played by an actress with a heavy irish accent, the mother superior says to maria....the abbey is not to be used as an escape, maria.... what is it you cunt face?


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Wednesday, January 09, 2002

I AM NOT AN ANIMAL ! -the elephant man


saturday night, me and a friend went to club make-up at the el rey theater here in hollywood. club make-up is a party that happens once a month with a different theme every month. saturday night the theme was david bowie. it was alot of fun to see all the children dressed up in their glamrock rags, not to mention hearing the fabulous bowie catalog thrusting through the sound system. it all reminded me of my tenth grade in high school when i carried a magic marker around with me so that i could write bowie on everything that wasn't moving. that was also the year that i got to see bowie's station to station tour ! as my friend and i checked out the party, a few people kindly asked me if they could have a picture taken with me and i said sure, no problem!. if i'm not busy taking a piss or eating my dinner, i have no problem signing something or having a picture snapped. in truth, i know that if people stop asking for it, i'm probably out of business! from there we went to the queen mary, a showbar not unlike the club in the movie the birdcage . we stayed for about 45 minutes and then decided to get a bite to eat at jerry's deli on ventura blvd. our food was served to deep fried perfection and we dug in. as i'm gettin jiggy with some extra crispy french fries and a well done grilled cheese sandwich on rye, two young ladies approached our table with pen and paper napkin in hand. now, i didn't need to call miss cleo, the tarot card lady on t.v. to find out what they wanted. they wanted me to autograph their paper napkin.

ok reader, this is where i need you to take an empathetic journey with me. because the dialog i'm about to cross over into is very taboo. every celebrity knows that one must never speak of it in mixed company for fear of being labeled a conceited, self centered nobody, who should be happy that anyone would even want their autograph. i've dealt with this situation in every possible way : while sitting on the toilet, or with a finger probing my ass in the doctors office, with my mouth wide open in a dentist chair and any number of other compromising and vulnerable situations. and in the end you must either compromise your dignity or compromise your image. so, dear reader, what would you do ?

a) chew and swallow the remaining food that's in your mouth. wipe your hands and graciously sign the paper napkin.

b) politely explain to the women that you are necessitating your basic human need to eat and that it's very rude and insensitive of them to interrupt your personal time just so that they can get validation from their friends and co-workers later, by showing off your autograph. help them to understand that if they really cared about you as a person, and not thought of you as a cartoon character, they would simply blow you a kiss or give you the thumbs up or just wait until after you've finished eating before approaching you (the same courtesy one would give the family dog).

c) spit your food out, grab a butter knife and point it at them while screaming... fuck off, bitches!


p.s-
when i finally met david bowie at a dinner party five years ago, he was very kind. i managed to keep my composure long enough to get downstairs to the sidewalk where i screamed my head off and cried hysterically.


p.s.s-
in 1980, david bowie made his broadway acting debut in ...the elephant man.


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Tuesday, January 08, 2002

COCKLE DOODLE DOO....ANY COCK' LL DO !!!

be sure and take jonno's "cocksuckers quiz" . it's the funniest shit i've read in a long time!!!

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THE MUSIC'S NO GOOD WITHOUT YOU

the majority of SHe-mails i get ask : when will i have new music available. well, the answer is soon ... i hope. i recorded seven new tracks last year, but they never saw the light of day because of a few professional setbacks. as of this writing, i'm about eight inches away from inking an agreement for new representation and hopefully that will rectify my absence from the dj booth. there are a few european releases on the horizon that i'm very excited about, but, in the meantime, the audience in knoxville, tn. will get a sneak preview of my new music on friday night, when i perform "are you man enough (to be my man)" and "i need more". let me take the time now to say that i am eternally grateful that y'all care about my music career and that you anticipate my next creative outing. i mean, you don't have to be a recording artist to realize how tough it is to get the support of a major (or minor) record label or to even get your shit played on the radio. look at mariah, the biggest selling female recording artist in history, and she couldn't get support at radio for her latest album. it's really weird, the whole hit or miss / hot and cold aspect of show business, because if half of the people who've ever bought a mariah record, would have also bought a ticket to see "critter", it would have been a blockbuster. what happened to all those fans ? did they stop caring ? i don't understand it. i'm what you might call a true blue fan. if i'm into someone i'll buy whatever they put out, even if it's crap. maybe that's the loyal scorpio in me, or maybe it's just crazy stupid. when i was in new york last month, i bought a new u.k issued compilation called "the very best of diana ross". i paid thirty dollars for an album that had only one song i didn't already own. i don't want praise for that act. that's just how i am. i love diana ross. the good, the bad and the ugly. so the fact that y'all still give a rats ass about my music career, impresses the fuck out of me. rock on, ladykins ! i'm coming out !

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Monday, January 07, 2002

IS MERCURY IN RETROGRADE ?

i use "netscape" on my home computer. i tried some funny business with it yesterday and "netscape" has not worked since. i'm writing this blog on my laptop. gotta get in contact with my computer tutor, cause i'm fuckin dying here. i want a cigarette.

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Saturday, January 05, 2002

THE BAD GUY

this month i'll celebrate the twentieth anniversary of the first time i got paid for performing. and if i had it to do all over again i wouldn't change a thing. well maybe one or two things like, i wish someone would have told me to shave off my eyebrows earlier and i wish i wouldn't have compromised my truth at times so that someone else didn't feel threatened. that's still a struggle today. i don't wanna be seen as the "bad guy". but i"ve learned that if i come from a place of truth, love and honesty, then i can't be the "bad guy" and i won't have a bunch of hideous resentments to clean up later . and keeping in mind that, honesty without love is brutality.


PEANUTS


just got back from the friday night drag show at "peanuts". it's located in west hollywood on santa monica blvd. between fairfax and la cienega. it is by far the best club in town and i'll tell you why. the club has a focal point and good music. since my days and nights of getting "crunked up" are long over, i need a club that can entertain me without "booze and pills". most clubs are boring as shit if you're not wasted. i need a club that's edgy , warped and twisted with good lighting and music that's not too fucking loud. well, "peanuts" is the answer. butt, the biggest asset "peanuts" offers is the big asses on the clubs patrons. big asses, big titties, big lips, big cheekbones, big everything!!! i'm a huge fan of surgical enhancement, and the "girls" who frequent the club are too. i rarely even dance because i'm so wrapped up in lapping up the atmosphere. i love it. a better description of the club might be "the silicone valley". the club members consist of 60 percent transsexuals, 30 percent "tranny-cruisers" and 10 percent others. i think i fit into every category. there's a show at 12:30 starring "viva sex" (m.c.extraordinaire and a great dancer), "raja" (gorgeous exotic creature), "jazzmun" (yum, chocolate ice cream), "alexis" (title holder and great tits) and "kiwi" (in-fucking-credible). during the show, patrons tip the performers and you really get to see who's who and what's what. one night, "chichi la rue" pointed out a "girl" to me who had gone to mexico and had her face peeled back, then scraped and then sewn back on. she looked fabulous. the club has been there for over twenty years and, as with all the really good things in the world, it has had to fight to stay there. residents in the area complain about noise and undesirables, and have just about succeeded in closing down the joint forever. i even appeared at a city hearing to speak in favor of the club, saying that in my opinion the complaints were motivated by prejudice and that maybe the residents might be happier living on "walton mountain" and not on santa monica blvd. west hollywood, california. there are tons of clubs and restaurants in the area, but they singled out "peanuts" as the covenant of hell. i said that in my twenty years in show business i have performed in clubs around the world and that "peanuts" is a sophisticated world class club that enhances los angeles' position as a world class city (lord knows, l.a. could use all the help it can get in that department). west hollywood is predominantly gay and i think it's sad how soon "the gay" forgets that it was "marcia p. johnson", a queen, who threw the first brick at stonewall. i sure haven't forgotten.
in fact, i got a backyard full of bricks. god save the queen.


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Friday, January 04, 2002

I WILL BE PERFORMING IN KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE ONE WEEK FROM TODAY.

for a minute there, we thought that the show would be postponed due to a crisis in the family of the promoter. but the show will go on as planned. so watch out tennessee. i'm coming down there yonder to put the " C**T " back into the country. yee haw !!!

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MONSTERS BALL

went to see the movie "monsters ball" starring billy bob thornton and halle berry. i thought it was good and i was very moved, but it's not for everyone cause it's so damn slow. it's got a "leaving las vegas" pace to it with really good performances. i've never been a halle berry fan, but she kicked ass in this film. she totally went for it and she'll probably get nominated. puffy did good and billy bob done good but another actor could have tore his role up. i cried twice.

p.s - if you are planning a career in show business, consider using a name with double letters like halle berry, donna summer, harry potter...etc. double letters are good luck, easy to remember and fun to say !

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Thursday, January 03, 2002

DEAR DR. RU

based on the e-mails i've gotten since the new site has been up and running, here are some answers to the most frequently asked questions.

Q- do you personally answer the e-mails or does one of your hundreds of staff members do it?

A- i read every SHe-mail that comes to the site. if you get a response from me, then it was written and sent by me. my "staff" consist of one person, and she has better things to do than answer my SHe-mails.

Q- do you visit chat rooms ?

A- i have visited the mens room and i have visited the womens room, but i have never visited a chat room. i don't have the patience for it. plus, i can only type with one finger ( i won't say which one ). and if i did visit a chat room, i wouldn't sign on with my real name, duh.

Q- do you sign and send autograph pictures ?

A- yes ! but, only through the "ru-tique" here on the site.

Q- would you "date" a member of your fan club?

A- i'll do anything for fifty bucks ! ( just kidding...sort of ). it's weird because drag for me now is just work, it's not my lifestyle. years ago,back in the day, before i became "well known", i would be in drag and get "crunked up" and blow some guy on the dancefloor or bring some "drunken troll" home just for kicks. basically, i was a mess in a dress! whatever i was "high" on would wear off and the situation would quickly turn pear - shaped ! yuck ! make up everywhere and wig all cock - eyed ? no thank you ! today, if i wanna throw down with a nigga, i sho' ain't gonna be the one in drag. but don't get me wrong, it do be some fine ass, sexy motherfuckers be sending me they picture to my website and shit. and they sometimes make me wanna throw on a "pussycat wig and some high-heel slippers" and say ...." word up, motherfucker, you got some money for me ?!!!"

Q- do you give make up and beauty tips or "first time in drag" tips ?

A- i ain't got time for that shit, y'all ! that's why i wrote the damn book, baby! "lettin it all hang out" is available in the "ru-tique".

Q- do you have breast implants ? sex change ?

A- no, but i have had a full frontal lobotomy.

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Wednesday, January 02, 2002

MY MANTRA

what other people think of me
is none of my business.


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Tuesday, January 01, 2002

NEW YEARS EVE

new years eve and halloween are two events that i don't leave the house for.
the energy freaks the shit out of me.
plus, i don't want to be run over by a drunk driver.
i hope a stray bullet doesn't come down through the roof a take me out.

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